Does not knowing how to make smalltalk hold you back socially? Do you avoid attending events because you don’t know what to say? Here are 6 steps for confident smalltalk in any situation.
1. Pre-Event:
Be prepared. Before attending the event take some time to think about who will be there, what you have in common with them, who you will already know, the reason for the event, and what strategies and resources you can use to meet people and start some conversations. Practice your small talk with a friend. Set yourself up for success. Give yourself a confidence pep talk. Make the effort to look your best; confidence in your appearance boosts your overall confidence. Wear clothes that are comfortable. It’s hard to be charming when your shoes are rubbing your feet raw. Rely on your personality. Remember that you are a unique and wonderful person. The other guests at this event are lucky to meet you. Don’t be cocky, but do feel confident that you are equally interesting, intelligent, and worthwhile as everyone else at the event. Don’t try to be something you’re not. If you are funny, be funny. If you’re not, don’t try to fake it. People like quirky, charming, thought-provoking, and sincere as much as they like funny.
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2. Arrival:
Meet and greet. When the door opens, smile at your host; stick out your hand for a handshake if this is your first meeting. The host will usually take it from here and either take your coat or direct you what to do with it, where to get food, etc. They may even introduce you to someone specific in which case you can skip to #3. Choose a partner for your conversation. If your host didn’t point you in anyone’s direction, take a minute to look around and see if there is anyone you already know or someone standing or sitting alone that you can approach. Smile at anyone who looks in your direction (they may be choosing a partner also!). The food table is a good place to get the lay of the land, meet other guests, and provides plenty of small talk references (i.e. “How do you like the food?” or “Have you tried these, yet?”)
3. Start talking:
Once you’ve found someone to talk with, or they have found you, dive right in by asking them about themselves. People tend to like to talk about themselves and you can’t stump them because they have all the answers. Ask open ended question as opposed to those that require only a yes or no answer as often as possible. If you do ask a yes or no question, be prepared with a follow up to either response. (See samples below.) Look the person in the eye and keep smiling. When it’s your turn to say something, be generous. Give your partner enough information to continue the conversation. They are thinking the same things as you: ask open ended questions, ask about them. In order for a conversation to work, there has to be give and take, like the volley of a tennis game. Don’t panic if there is a temporary lull. Sometimes it takes people a few seconds to think of their response. When we get nervous those seconds can feel like hours. Be patient. If you think the conversation is really sinking, start up a new topic. If that doesn’t help and you think the person is looking to end the conversation (it’s not personal, maybe they spot a friend they haven’t seen in a while and they just don’t know how to leave you politely) let them go. Make it easy for them to move on. They will be grateful for your tact and you are free to start a conversation with a new partner. Neither person in a conversation should expect to monopolize the other for the whole event.
Here is a list of some old standby questions that are good for starting or reviving a conversation:
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